Within reach.

My dedication:
With both of you in mind, neither here nor there, you both stand on equal grounds in my heart, never fading, never doubting, ever near.




Within reach.

i'm waiting under the cool shade of a tree, watching the sun's rays just out of reach.
I look around...
Down... at my bare feet with the grass pushing through between my toes. At my wrist, the star : my father in red. I move my finger over it the same way he used to move his down my nose. I'd be able to smell his own concoction of Marlboro's and aftershave, I realize now how much the smallest gestures stay with you.

Up... at the leaves that seem to be almost bursting with green. Swaying slightly with the breeze; unlike my hair... my hair whips about against the persuasions of the wind like a child's wrist, stubbornly twisting and turning in her parent's protective grasp.

Left.... resting my lips on my upper arm as i turn to look over my shoulder at the bright yellows and fluorescent greens reflected up at me from the sun-warmed grass.

My legs are tattooed with red and white marks from the roots I'm sitting on. You know the type - they hurt more when I lifted myself off the roots, than they did when I was still resting on them.

I'm standing up now, leaning on the broad body of the tree whilst stumbling and slipping slightly on the same roots who's marks are still on my thighs. Damn these roots, why won't they stay put underground?
In an absentminded and childlike manner, I brush the torn grass and dirt from my skirt as I'm staring off at the line I see.

Its strange, I can see exactly where the sun's rays stop. Its like someone is holding up a yellow film under the sun and moving ever so slowly across the meadow, staining the color of the grass below.

I touch my arm with my right hand. It's that strange sensation of a warm hand on your arm, while simultaneously feeling cold skin with that very same hand. Either way, I decided I needed to warm up, I needed to step up and out from under my tree.

With each step, the roots disappear into soft grass and soil. With each step, my body loses some of the cold. I turn around, my big, green, giant is still with me.. watching my steps like my dad's hands on the back of my bicycle that one night we decided to take the training wheels off.

I gather my hair to one side and pull it down over my shoulder.. There's no one around, but I still make the effort of pulling out the little strands of grass and leaves from my tangle of hair. I notice that my arm doesn't feel as cold anymore, when my hand brushed past it.

I find my sandals, the ones i kicked off when I was running towards that shade earlier this morning. As I pick them up I turn again, to see my sanctuary. It looks a little smaller at this distance, but I can still see it's leaves swaying, waving at me... like my mother's hand rubbing my back every night. Never stopping, never slowing, not until she was certain I had fallen asleep.

I'm coming over a hill, I'm almost at that peculiar line on the ground holding green and yellow apart. I think I see the girls.. they're laying out on the towels, no doubt soaking up the bronzing sun. I wave to them and they raise their shades at me, holding up their ice cold drinks. I make a vague delaying gesture with my hands, and slow to a stop.

Looking over my shoulder, I realize I can barely see the top of my tree. Quickly I shuffle backwards a few steps onto the hill... there it is. My giant, still looking so solid and strong. I can't see the roots from here, and the shade looks nice and cool. My head whips around towards the sun's line in the grass, and then back again at my sanctuary.

I take another step back, and set myself down on the grass... I lay back resting on my arms, and take one final glance behind me. Then I wave again to the girls with my sandals in hand, and smile as I say under my breath... "I think I'm warm enough.."

playing with fire..

a moth to a flame. a fat kid to cake. whatever your analogy... i'm drawn to something : challenges.

Whether it be in love. Whether it be in conflicts or confrontations. I am person drawn to, whether negatively or positively, to challenges.

Its the curiosity of "seeing something through". Seeing how far I can push that envelope. See how much I can bend the rules. - Or break them, before someone stops me.

On the other side of this... More often than not, once I nourish my thirst for whatever challenge I'm hounding... I usually toss it aside like an old toy. I hardly stay interested past the initial intrigue. Which is why when I do, I know its worthwhile. Which is why when I do, I find it hard to disengage.

I was thinking though, after the happenings of today.... How unfortunate it is for someone who decides to play with my fire. Play.. with me. How unfortunate it would be for those who don't know this side of me. I am not one to back down first. People usually get in trouble if they don't know this. If you push me, I'll push back. If you draw a line, I will cross it.

And for someone who has something to lose, this can be dangerous. They're gambling with something, I.. am simply being entertained. I've already weighed out the risks, and I never indulge in something that may be "expensive". (at least for me)

I've said before that when someone decides to play games... they should be responsible for their own actions. It shouldn't be my fault if you've pushed yourself too far. It shouldn't be my responsibility if you find yourself "in too deep". Just as if I realize I am "doing something I shouldn't be doing", I would stop and clean up my own mess... so should they.

For example. If I'm not allergic to chocolate, I can devour as much of it as I like. However if you know this chocolate could be dangerous for you, should it be my responsibility if you should decide to join me? .... i think not.

I wonder why then... when people get burned by the fires i light, get caught in the webs that I weave.... do they then point the finger, and blame the flames?

"I am your desire. I am your favorite lick of fire." - Storm Large.

i was born this way...

One of my favorite books is Delta of Venus by Anais Nin..
I'm now in the middle of Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov.. quickly situating itself amongst my favorites.

Delta of Venus was a collection of short, perverted stories. Stories of rape, perversion, voyeurism, pedophilia, fetishes, drug abuse, and everything of the hellish sort.
But this book proved to me the power and influence in words, with intent. The way she wrote these stories not only brought you into the minds of those society would deem irredeemable, but you finish each story understanding and even forgiving the fictional pedophile you had just read about.

This brings me to Lolita. The character Humbert. He is a loudly self-professed lover of young girls. He knows and admits his taste isn't an accepted or even a morally sound one, yet he is what he is.

But as you read on, you realize the cause and the story behind his obsession. Humbert fell in love at the tender age of 12. (and no, it wasn't with an infant, but a girl his same age). He had a summer fling, one of those flings that are filled with moments that linger in the eye of your mind for a lifetime. His love affair climaxed one night where the throws of their love were interrupted, as we've all experienced, by his lover's mother calling her back into the house.. It was after all, far too late for a girl that age to be out, and much too early for her to be letting a young boy fondle her. Long story short, that night Humbert experienced the most extremes of passion (for a boy his age), and was left with the feeling of something uncompleted. Untouched dreams. A cake tasted but uneaten.

Four months later, much to his devastation, Humbert learns that his little Annabel has passed away due to Malaria. (or some other illness still deadly at those times).
Anyway, to make this brief... he lives his life, still in love and impassioned by her. He grows older, but the image of the girl he loves stays the same, ageless and immortal. After reading this I really understood how (at least in this case), someone could develop this "perversion". Humbert may be in his 40's, but his love for Annabel remains.. and in my opinion, there is nothing sick about that. The wrong - as society would call it - begins when he sees a girl resembling his Annabel. Lolita.

So in short.. I was just thinking about how easy it is to become "a creep", "a pervert", or whatever names are used to describe someone like Humbert.
I began thinking about how behind every "pervert", there's a story, a reason why. Granted not all are as easily understood, or have as good of a reason as Humbert...... but some are/do.

I had a discussion a while ago with someone, about gays and criminals. (trust me, i am not one to EVER put those two words in the same sentence). About how studies show that for these people, more often than not they are born with a genetic disposition that make them "that way". Just like I was born afraid of violence, a criminal can be born with a thirst for it. Just like I was born attracted to men, gay men can too see the same attractive qualities in men that I do. (while on the subject, I believe I'm attracted to beauty, and not gender).
In this discussion, my friend was talking about how saying "i was born this way" is used as an excuse more than a reason. For example someone could, without reason, go out and kill a child and just say "i was born this way, i feel the need to kill". Basically, I think his point was.. "Why is it that for criminals we do not allow that excuse, and yet for gay people, we do".
My argument is and was that, I believe one IS an excuse because it is used with the intention of hurting people, and the other.. is simply a reason. A truth. An explanation of why one would live his life the way that he does. "I eat because I'm hungry, I dance because I'm happy, I kiss men because I find them beautiful".
Then my friend went on to say "well, criminals though born with that violent nature can be trained not to give in to those harmful desires... isn't it the same for gays?"
I, personally, don't think so. All you need to do to not be a criminal, is just not commit a crime. Its not the same for gay people. Even if a man never sleeps with another man, doesn't his attraction and his "sexual preference" for them make him gay? If the definition of "gay" is simply to be attracted to a person of the same sex, then for people like this, it's just who you are, not what you do.

I hate. HATE. When gays are compared to criminals. I don't see any difference WHATSOEVER between someone who is gay and myself. If anything, I see similarities. If anything, I see courage. If anything.... I would be envious of their certainty. How many people know exactly, without a doubt, who they are and what they want?

Labels aren't usually good. But if the label "gay" has ever done any good for the people that it describes... at the very least it's given them a feeling of belonging, assurance, and pride.

If I could have a single word that would describe me to the outside world, I'd love to hear it.

I love all kinds of people - Those who live lifestyles I agree with, and those who don't, because I was born this way.
I hate violence, because I was born this way.
I love controversy and challenges, because I was born this way.
Change scares me - but I would never stop it, because I was born this way.

I feel that the most purpose of my life here on Earth, is to love..... because I was born this way.

target.

sometimes I'm thankful for being born an only child. you're born into a life set up for independence. I've never had the experience of a sibling standing up for me (though I had my father for that), I've never had someone to share my secrets with, and I've never been able to "catch a break" by sharing my heat with anyone else.

Safety in numbers. that's what they say isn't it? I suppose then in this case I'm the only fish in the barrel, I guess I have a target of sorts on my back then don't I?

But like i said, I'm sometimes thankful for it. I've gotten good at taking responsibility for my actions. I'm well trained in deciding what is wrong or right - for me. I resolved at a very early age to do whatever is right for me and not look back. In that case, if what I've chosen to do is wrong, at least I have my reasons. I'd rather be blamed for something I did for my own reasons, than something i did for someone else's reasons.

I've gotten good at defending myself.
My parents weren't exactly "hands on" so my own judgment is the one that I've had to trust, and use as guidelines in my life. I've done pretty well on that so far. (without a regret)

Lately though, I've been going against my better judgment on something. I've been pursuing, and persistently so, something that my mind says is foolish, and unnecessary.
My mind reminds me : "why force it? - what's in it for you? - you keep getting burned! - you have no obligations." and lastly.. "no one, and nothing, has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. you should avoid that negativity, stay in the realms that make you feel good about yourself, that's positive and productive. cut out that which is negative and destructive to you."

I believe my conscience is right. I believe that if I listen to my thoughts, at the very worst, I'll have solid reasons and defenses for doing whatever I decide to do. And at best, I'll be protecting myself from becoming affected negatively....

But of course, I haven't been following my better judgment, because to do that as a first reflex without considering the suggestions of others, would be....... arrogant. So I've listened to friends and loved ones, knowing before they spoke what they would say. And of course they suggest to "persevere", and to "endure", or to "fight back" ... And normally I'd always be all for perseverance, and toughing it out, and "not letting them get to you"... but when it's for the right cause. Determination is fantastic, when it's pointed in the right direction. It's outright stupid, when spent for the wrong reasons.

So of course, I've gotten burned over and over and over again. Which strangely doesn't seem to be enough for my loved ones to shift their views, and perhaps allow room for mine. It gets me wondering if they have my best intentions in mind or if they have their own well-intentioned selfish reasons. Whether they want me to stay around because my drama entertains them, or they just want to have me stick around for company, not considering the emotional cost for me. I don't know what it is, but I forgive them in advance.

After getting burned yet again. I've decided, its time maybe to start following what I think is best. At this point I don't think anyone can accuse me of being selfish or "drastic".

My original gameplan in this life was to stay with the positive, and be affected positively. Stay away from the negative things... have nothing to do with them.

I'm going back to that.

Afterall... the target is on my back, isn't it?

swerving in and out of the fast lane.

I'm in one of those moods again today.
You know, one of those resolute, purposeful moods where I build up the gusto inside me to want to "start writing regularly in my blog again". My pessimistic, realistic self of course KNOWS this mood doesn't last. Since the only reason it's here at all anyway is because I find myself sitting at work without a thing to do... but nevertheless... I'll ride this wave as far as it takes me.

So here I am once again. I've decided to start writing my thoughts about the books I read.

this short little ditty is on "Chasing Harry Winston", by Lauren Weisberger, the author of the infamous "The Devil Wears Prada". I finished it a few weeks ago.

You know, I've found that I'm an easily influenced person. So influences such as Chasing Harry Winston, Sex and the City, L-Word, and Queer as Folk... seem to steer me in the same direction. (and as the stars would have it, I watched all the seasons of L-word last summer, and I'm working on Queer as Folk now.)
This direction, is the one facing a free (usually single) life. Free in all the ways that word was meant for in the 60's. I start wanting to live in an apartment with my girlfriends, (hopefully one or two of which are lesbians) and have those quaint little brunches spent laughing over last night's romp. I want to kiss my friends (gender, not an issue) on the lips for hello's and goodbye's. I want to go out and experience happenings that can only be aptly told later, in a Hollywood blockbuster. I want to wink at a hunk in a coffee shop and have him swagger over to me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
Obviously these things only happen in those books and those movies.... but this is exactly my point. I'm so easily influenced, that I start to build a mirage around myself and I submerge in those stories more than I should.

I notice this, because in the weeks after I read that book, I started reading some more grounded less "in the fast lane" sort of books.. so I notice the difference between my attitude then, and now. Of course I still use ridiculously metropolitan expressions such as "tweaked out twinkie", but I think those minor changes can be accepted as additions to my Encyclopedia.

It was a good book, very Carrie Bradshaw. A light read meant to accompany you by the side of the pool.

On another note, I bought Anna Karenina and Lolita last night. These actions pretty much prove my theory that I'm in a determined, mother Theresa sort of a mood. Diving into classics. Both Russian, I don't know if that means something... yet.

I'll be back with my thoughts on those.

my hippy oath.... for real.

In the face of adversity, uncertainty and conflicting sensory information, I hereby pledge to remain ever mindful of the magical, infinite, loving reality in which I live. A reality that conspires tirelessly in my favor.

I further recognize, that living within space and time, as a Creation amongst my Creations, is the ultimate Adventure, because thoughts become things, dreams come true, and all things remain forever possible.

As a Being of Light, I hereby resolve to live, love and be happy, at all costs, no matter what, with reverence and kindness for all.......

entwined

I want to tell you about our nights together. Yes, of course you were there with me. I'm sure you remember them. But I want to share with you the parts that you weren't privy to. The parts I found satisfying and symbolic.

Every hour we spend in bed, you hold me. Somehow we are entwined, the entire night. Not for one moment do you let me go, out of your grasp, beyond your touch. It is as though the other side of the bed is a world away.

I sleep with my head resting against your chest. Like I had run a race and stopped to lie on the ground, with my face cradled by the softest, sunwarmed grass. The earth underneath, your heart below, beating with life.

Each time I move away, your hand reaches out to bring me back. When a person is asleep can he know his arms are empty? How can a man far in one place summon love from another?

I had forgotten how delicious that could be, to be joined not by words or thoughts but by flesh: soft, warm, heavy. When a sigh is a sentence and a caress a paragraph.

So in return I offer you what comes out of my fingertips - my words.

They, and I, are yours..

a dedication..

i'm dedicating these songs to you..... songs that i feel have some connection to where you are in life right now, songs that i think could have an affect on you in different aspects of your life.

All taken from Sia's album "Colour the Small One".



For the moments in which you find yourself tackling love head on, all its highs and lows included...... "Sweet Potato". This is for imagination and possibility.

For the moments of love in which you find yourself with him/her in mind, and the thoughts hold on to your gut relentlessly........... "Butterflies". This is for memories and nostalgia.

For the moments in which you have too much of everything. When life gives you a big plate of all the things you don't want...... when all you want, if anything, is a warm bed, a clear mind, white walls, and an empty tomorrow......... "Numb". This is for release and escape.

For the moments in life in which all you want is to be allowed to love, seeking nothing or not much in return. When compassion overtakes you and you just want to admire, and wish only to be given the chance and freedom to do so......... "Don't Bring Me Down". This is for desire and fear.

For the moments in which you're reflecting, looking down at yourself from outside your body. When you want to hear the things you need to hear, words that show someone has been watching you, observing you, empathizing with you and caring for you......... "The Bully". This is for regret and need.

And of course...... For the moments in which you long to be held, whether it be in a physical or mental realm... held by someone whose only intention is to help, love, protect, and support you. For the moments in which you wish you could confess all, when you feel like you need to breakdown, stop being strong and just fall......... to find that theres someone there to catch you............ "Breathe Me". This is for loyalty and trust. This, is for you.